14th of Kislev

According to Jewish tradition and the Hebrew calendar, tonight is the true anniversary of my father's death, and I am feeling my way through it, trying to observe the occasion according to custom and to what feels right.

I have lit a Yahrzeit candle in his memory.

I have made a donation in his name to support an organization that he loved.

I have indulged in a couple of his vices and emulated a few of his virtues.

I have been thinking of him and feeling incredibly grateful to have had him in my life for as long as I did, and incredibly sad not to have him any longer.

I am thinking about getting up very early tomorrow and driving across town so that I can say Kaddish among strangers at a synagogue I've never visited before, and I am also thinking about not doing that.

I'm planning to have some of my favorite old photos of him—the ones from the collage Zach made for his 80th-birthday party—reprinted and framed for my office and our house.

I'm going to go to sleep tonight with the hope that he will pay me a visit, and I'm going to wake up tomorrow and try, as I do every day, to make him proud.