Oy Vey Iz Mir

It's been super-quiet on the acting front here for the past month. In fact, since my Eleventh Hour audition, which was February 3, I have had a grand total of TWO auditions.

That's right, two auditions in 6+ weeks. Woo-hoo! Both of them about three weeks ago.

The first was a pilot, my first and only pilot audition this year. Anecdotal evidence tells me that they saw pretty much everyone in town for this role. I know of three other actors (widely different types) who all went in for this same part, and that's a lot. It was an untitled sitcom in which I was to play the "divorced best friend in his mid-30s to mid-40s." Well, that's specific.

The CD kept telling me, "there's a lot of George Castanza in this role. A lot of Jewish neuroticism. You know how George Castanza has that angst?"

I resisted the urge to say, "Then why did you bring me in?" or maybe, "Perhaps you should hire Jason Alexander for this part."

(I say this not with bitterness, btw, just amusement.)

The other audition was for CSI:NY. It's funny, when I came out here, I thought I'd end up getting a lot of procedural auditions because of my Law and Order past; but it really hasn't been the case.

This part was something we almost skipped, and probably should have. It was T.I.N.Y. Two lines, playing the Jewish orthodox son of a watchmaker. Not the role I want I want for my one appearance on CSI:NY.

So we passed, and then they came back and said, "Does it make a difference that the watchmaker will be Ed Asner?"

We reconsidered. It was weird that they were kind of pursuing me. This didn't seem like a role that would be difficult to cast. But then we thought, maybe they're looking for someone with some training, because the script has a big moment at the end where the son sees his father being led off to jail for heinous crimes and basically disowns him in a long glance:

David looks up at his father: a myriad of emotions: shock, contempt, sadness..then simply gets up. Numb. Turns his back on his father and walks away.

Okay, we thought, this is a scene with Ed Asner and Gary Sinise. Maybe despite the low screen time, they are going to linger on this scene and are looking for a really solid actor to pull it off. Maybe they want someone who will have the presence to hold his own with these two heavyweights.

And I've clearly demonstrated I can play orthodox jews on TV. ;) So why not take a flyer?

So I went in for it, and SURPRISE! It was none of that.

They didn't even look at the end scene in the audition; instead they taped the only other scene, where the son is introduced and has two lines: "Everything all right?" and "Okay, Pop." They were running the session VERY quickly, about 2 minutes/person. Churning 'em through. There were 8 guys waiting when I came in, and probably another 10 waiting when I left. Not exactly a scenario where they were looking for the right actor for a "moment".

When you go in to read two little lines like that you realize they're truly casting about 95% based on the look. And as you all know, I can squeak by as Jewish on TV based on some acting and dialect work that I bring to the table, but when competing against, you know, actual Jewish actors, in a role that will be primarily about appearance, I don't even chart.

The role was for an orthodox kid who works with his dad in a watch repair shop. Not a hassidic kid from Crown Heights. So I literally stifled a chuckle walking into the waiting room. It was filled with guys getting their heavy orthodox vibe on for the day. Like a callback for the bottle dance in Fiddler on the Roof. There were black vests. There were yarmulkes. One guy was actually sporting tzitzis. I was half expecting the next to have clip-on payos or a shtreimel.

And from the lack of professional vibe out there (loud discussions of previous work and current temp jobs, nervous laughter aplenty) it was clear that most of these guys have not been in the big leagues yet. Or not for a long time. Many of them were comedians I think, based on the LOUD and COMEDIC energy in the room. Many of them were also guys who make a living out here doing extra work and co-stars, based on the conversations I heard.

So I kept my head down, went in and did my bit, and chuckled on my way out the door, knowing that this was three hours of my life that were gone forever.